A Simple word with a lifetime of meaning in it.. I found it for the second time today.
you ask me where?
I found it in Kashmir , in the horse named Badal.
Don't think I have gone insane ,
that might be true though, don't want to engage in any argument over that.
But the love he has expressed towards a human taught me that love is limitless, it's endless and everyone is capable of giving it , in their own manner.
In my case it was the way my lovely horse Protected me through the rough terrains, taking me to a beautiful valley with snow covered mountains. Ensuring to not to let anyone else win against me (it was like his personal agenda to ensure I remain the first person to see the beauty this heartwarming place has to offer)
Badal taught me it's okay for me to love,
Just love and become one with love.
Just how he has become one with the valley of Kashmir.
With each step I found an edge of my character shedding itself, with each step I felt letting go of an unknown burden.
Apart from the enchanting scenery the place has to offer, I am going to keep Badal in my memory. For angels do come in disguise!
You would be that lady in Old Victorian gown who lives in an abandoned mansion situated in countryside with some 20-30 cats , who keeps herself warm by sitting near to her fireplace while her man sits opposite to her in an armchair reading her a chapter from the copy of Harry Potter. In between, he winks at her whenever the book mentions Hermione , and she winks back because she understands.
When the first snow falls she stands near to her window admiring what nature has to offer and her man looks at her , admiring her for that nature has offered him in the guise of a mortal , the most beautiful creature in the whole world .
It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning.
My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.
Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?
Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.
Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?
Practice . Practice. Practice.
But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .
Overwhelming is all I can describe the book to be. I finished reading the book few minutes back and I am full of those extremely delicate nuances which not just touched my heart but made my soul sour high. If you haven’t read it yet, you should try savouring this piece of writing with all your might.
Virginia Woolf once said, to keep the flow of words one should indulge in reading . Ironically somehow I have lost words to describe how do I feel.
Have you read something similar to this book? If yes , please do suggest!
Even after trying for ten years ,
Giving your heart, sweat and commitment
Sometimes it's just not meant to happen...
So, what to do next?
Weep and lament over the lost love which you never received?
All you can do is to just let it go...
I understand ot looks difficult and you are afraid whether you are truly capable enough to do it!
Doubt sure is welcomed.
But believe me, then one day , it all comes to you.
The courage to let go of everything that you had buried in your heart- wrapped feelings, discouraged ethics, uncertain signs and the soil you wanted to mix with theirs.
Above all you dig the courage of deleting 90747 messages of last one year which you read all those nights when the day was damp with the unwanted rain and night was dark with unwelcomed clouds.
The courage of deleting the number which was once your ocean and wiping the media and unstarring the messages on your whatsapp chat..
You know, it just happens.
It just happens like it just happened, a matter of second...
No questions asked, no queries put forth.
You give away the part,
Afterall what would you do with a tree which is neither blooming nor withering ?
You do nothing with such tree.
you just let uourself know that it's okay for it to be as it is..
You simply walk away because there is nothing you can do about it...
Now,I want to embrace you really tight this time,
To cheer you up and to tell you that it's fine to feel light , it's okay to breathe light.
It's okay to not to be okay for sometime ..
It's okay to recenter the location of your heart towards your new aspirations and begin again.
So, love ..try again, love again. okay ?