To exist is not to live

“Wait for me here”. – Godot,1949

Dear reader,

As I venture on my new journey to talk about existence, I want you to think of Godot. Some of you might have waited for him in their college classroom where a teacher and Beckett told us to know that “nothing had changed, nothing would change” except for our wait for Godot.

I remember when I first held the “book” in my hands, Waiting for the text to get over and understand the mystery of who Godot was? When would he come? Why were we even waiting for him? Was he God?

I got no answers except for the last one. Bless! Beckett for that, he himself cleared the air by stating that if he wanted his readers to think of Godot as “God” then he would have mentioned God not Godot. So, it was clear that Beckett wanted us to wait for Godot. The purpose of the text was to wait for Godot, who never turns up physically. His presence could be felt yet not seen just like the wait we keep on patiently doing , without even knowing if the person we are waiting for will ever turn up or not!

Unaware of its depth I thought the text doesn’t made sense. Ironically today, “Godot” is symbol of “purpose” for me. Beckett knew that even waiting needs a purpose. Whether someone comes or not doesn’t matter, The purpose of waiting is known in the heart of the person who performs the act. The Purpose being an energy acting as reinforcement for us to keep doing something again and again and again until we just either gets it or lose the hope of getting it.

So, dear readers , if you are waiting for someone and others keep on telling you that it’s of no use, remember that the purpose of that “waiting” is only known to you .. no one will get it except you. And in your heart you will always find the right way to pursue what you truly wish for.

Choosing to be me

It a began with my counsellor's 
words echoing in my ears,
LET IT GO, LET IT GO!

I took a rollercoaster ride in past,
And Learnt that choosing myself over this relationship isn't being self centred ,

It doesn't mean I wasn't in love ,
didn't trust or wasn't happy for the time being.
It just mean that I am a human being, who can't hold onto past memories anymore, can't let them deepen my wound every day with the hope it will soon be okay!
I know it won't.

I am a mere human being who has decided to let you go,
Because
We aren't meant to be...
And the thought was killing my conscience, my inner self to this extent that I wanted freedom from myself.

So,
By choosing to protect me, I am choosing to let everything go that belongs to you.
I am putting an end to this emotional abuse and suffering.

I am ending it with my words.
I AM LETTING YOU GO.

Spiral

It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning. 

My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.

Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?

Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.

Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?

Practice . Practice. Practice.

But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .

Fever

Thermometer flashed 103, looks like
The fever has reached the core.
The body shivers,mind enveloped with the question why?
Yesterday, you danced like there was no tomorrow until you realised there aren't going to be any more tomorrows with him.

Today,
Grief has made her sick.

Sadness lingering in her mind has finally found a way to reach her bones.

It's strange the doctor said, grief could make you lose your strength.

Get well soon her agony said, mocking her with a big smirk.



Dear Alice

Apologies but there isn’t any Wonderland
Even there isn’t Peter pan’s Neverland
I am afraid to say
This world doesn’t have tomorrowland
You might be sad now
To realise
This barbaric truth and feel tired

Though for you it’s tough time
And
You need strength to be more than fine I want you to forget not,
My dear Alice,
You can bend for sometime
But can’t be broken in this life time.

Annyeong

As the day drifts by

Minute by minute

We remember what happened.

This year was difficult

To me and to you my dear reader

But I want you to not to forget the learning

You lived through all those times, the hardships

And Like a Phoenix

You were reborn with more strength and wisdom

Now breathe and let the weight of this year shed off

Let it go now in peace

Annyeong!!

Memory

Do I need rescuing?

The ship has sailed days ago
without me
Before my eyes
And
I was left on this unknown island
To live?
No but to survive

Do they even realise I am not with them?
Is there anyone to fill my space on that empty chair I would have sat on?
Should I expect them to look around and search?
Won’t they think,I intentionally hid?
From what you ask?
Oh, those demons who lurks in moonlight on that Queen ship

Will they come to take me back?

Do I need rescuing?
I am afraid to confess
But now I miss being nauseated on that giant vehicle
The sun, the battle , the gargle of Quen’s engine.
The words of the captain, asking everyone to come back in ten, not to hide or escape

Still I wandered and am lost,
Ah! How eager was I to prove that those who wander never lost, but now I am
And I am frightened each night

46 days, they are gone for this long
with this last message , my hope as well

Sleep will engulf me dear reader.
But I am grateful that you know that I existed
Remember I lived till today.