Twisted tale

Ours is arrange marriage 
Arrange, no?
It was arrange adding to love marriage

I met her at her house
She looked beautiful,
We talked,
She called herself "rebellious soul, never confined , never to be trapped"

I loved her instantly for the second time , My first wife was also a rebellious one so she left me early.
I told her I never give up and someday will confine her with a slight grin.
It worked...

We met every week,
Talked everyday,
She turned me down when I gave her bouquets, chocolates but was delighted to my gentleman efforts,

That's all I wanted...
She could never get slightest idea about our future that I had planned with her,
Everyday When I looked at her
"Rebellious soul never to be confined" echoed in my ear,

It is our wedding day,
She became mine.
Waiting for me in the beautiful bridal attire
That's my wife , right ?
I told myself the rebellious soul is being chased by me
It's time to confine her.

That night she slept peacefully
Never to awake again.
While she slept I choked her breath with her dupatta ; the love she bore for me now transformed into fear,

Rebellious soul , so she fought
But couldn't win because I am her husband right?
She was maintaining eye contact all the time and I thought how much I love her more ,
My first dead wife closed her eyes when I did this to her, pity isn't it?
But she looked right through my eyes, making me hold her dupatta more tightly around her snow white throat.

And then she peacefully slept.

I never give up I said with another grin while closing the door of my Giant Refrigerator , confining her with in.

Choosing to be me

It a began with my counsellor's 
words echoing in my ears,
LET IT GO, LET IT GO!

I took a rollercoaster ride in past,
And Learnt that choosing myself over this relationship isn't being self centred ,

It doesn't mean I wasn't in love ,
didn't trust or wasn't happy for the time being.
It just mean that I am a human being, who can't hold onto past memories anymore, can't let them deepen my wound every day with the hope it will soon be okay!
I know it won't.

I am a mere human being who has decided to let you go,
Because
We aren't meant to be...
And the thought was killing my conscience, my inner self to this extent that I wanted freedom from myself.

So,
By choosing to protect me, I am choosing to let everything go that belongs to you.
I am putting an end to this emotional abuse and suffering.

I am ending it with my words.
I AM LETTING YOU GO.

Remember me

When I am gone and You wonder what to do next,
Don't fight yourself and listen to me,

Initially it would be strange to sleep alone
And you might be scared at night,
Worrying if I turned into a ghost,
Which I assure you, I won't .

But there would be those nights with troubled sleep,
And the memories of happy times will haunt your heart,
In those critical time, I want you to remember
I am looking at you from heaven,
Maybe from hell as well !
But I am looking at you, that will matter.

So, here is the guide to remember me curated for you especially,
Remember me as you remember the aftertaste of sweet lassi you drank at your grandmother's place in summer break,
Just like the melody of your favourite song you hum without realising that you are humming,
Just like the book, you pick as a comfort read and the place you drive to when you are upset.

Some days when you will miss me the most,
Buy a truffle cake and leave it on my grave.
I won't be able to eat but the sight is enough for me to cheer up.
Since you know what to do when I am gone
I hope you keep your words and smile more.

Spiral

It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning. 

My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.

Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?

Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.

Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?

Practice . Practice. Practice.

But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .

Fever

Thermometer flashed 103, looks like
The fever has reached the core.
The body shivers,mind enveloped with the question why?
Yesterday, you danced like there was no tomorrow until you realised there aren't going to be any more tomorrows with him.

Today,
Grief has made her sick.

Sadness lingering in her mind has finally found a way to reach her bones.

It's strange the doctor said, grief could make you lose your strength.

Get well soon her agony said, mocking her with a big smirk.



What happen when people die?

What happen when people die?
I am intrigued with the question.
It has haunted my loving spirit, breached the walls I kept solid all these years.
Why should I care what happens when people die until I am alive.

Why do we need to be associated with anyone?
Why can't we not be alone and sufficient?
Why can't alone be happy?

To be true , I am angry today.
I want to die.
Not die literally but I want to kill all my thoughts which constitutes me . Metaphorical death is what I want.
Safe. Secured. No one will know that someone died.

Remember Augustus Water's cigarette, the high metaphor!

I want my thoughts to die that death.
I want to know how does it feel to cut all the strings. The chain of thoughts killing all your instincts.

Don't worry ,I won't do any self-harm.
I am not that brave neither I have that grace to cover it.
But seriously tell me what happens when the thoughts die?

Does it hurt as much as it hurts to lose people? Is death worse than sudden disappearance?

I hope so it is.

Well. Lets. Just . Stop. Here.
Okay?

Silence

I am dragged to one secluded corner of the room by an unknown woman,
I don't think I know her,
She looks like my mother but is too brave to act like her.

Well, the story continues...

While she dragged me, I had a vision
In which the abuses he hurled at me in the past were visible,
The most recent one being called a bitch.
A child born of your blood is called "bitch", Well that's unfortunate I thought and stopped the train as in haste.

What do you say, my dear reader, was I right?

No, I don't mind being called one,
Should I let the opinion of one man leave an ugly impression on my mind?
Sometimes I think I should let all the abuses be absorbed,
Some day I am a little braver,
And pity him for his words.

To be frank, I find the later section more courageous, full of valour
So, I tend to hear from an ear and take it out from another.

But the woman today made me stand in a corner,
Went back into the room
Asked him if I deserved the words he spoke to me?

I apologise but it doesn't make any sense,
Why is she talking about me?
Doesn't she know I have learnt to live without being affected?
Yet I heard her
And remembered someone telling me It's alright sometimes
When someone decides to stand for you.