Ours is arrange marriage
It was arrange adding to love marriage
I met her at her house
She looked beautiful,
She called herself "rebellious soul, never confined , never to be trapped"
I loved her instantly for the second time , My first wife was also a rebellious one so she left me early.
I told her I never give up and someday will confine her with a slight grin.
We met every week,
She turned me down when I gave her bouquets, chocolates but was delighted to my gentleman efforts,
That's all I wanted...
She could never get slightest idea about our future that I had planned with her,
Everyday When I looked at her
"Rebellious soul never to be confined" echoed in my ear,
It is our wedding day,
She became mine.
Waiting for me in the beautiful bridal attire
That's my wife , right ?
I told myself the rebellious soul is being chased by me
It's time to confine her.
That night she slept peacefully
Never to awake again.
While she slept I choked her breath with her dupatta ; the love she bore for me now transformed into fear,
Rebellious soul , so she fought
But couldn't win because I am her husband right?
She was maintaining eye contact all the time and I thought how much I love her more ,
My first dead wife closed her eyes when I did this to her, pity isn't it?
But she looked right through my eyes, making me hold her dupatta more tightly around her snow white throat.
And then she peacefully slept.
I never give up I said with another grin while closing the door of my Giant Refrigerator , confining her with in.
“Wait for me here”. – Godot,1949
As I venture on my new journey to talk about existence, I want you to think of Godot. Some of you might have waited for him in their college classroom where a teacher and Beckett told us to know that “nothing had changed, nothing would change” except for our wait for Godot.
I remember when I first held the “book” in my hands, Waiting for the text to get over and understand the mystery of who Godot was? When would he come? Why were we even waiting for him? Was he God?
I got no answers except for the last one. Bless! Beckett for that, he himself cleared the air by stating that if he wanted his readers to think of Godot as “God” then he would have mentioned God not Godot. So, it was clear that Beckett wanted us to wait for Godot. The purpose of the text was to wait for Godot, who never turns up physically. His presence could be felt yet not seen just like the wait we keep on patiently doing , without even knowing if the person we are waiting for will ever turn up or not!
Unaware of its depth I thought the text doesn’t made sense. Ironically today, “Godot” is symbol of “purpose” for me. Beckett knew that even waiting needs a purpose. Whether someone comes or not doesn’t matter, The purpose of waiting is known in the heart of the person who performs the act. The Purpose being an energy acting as reinforcement for us to keep doing something again and again and again until we just either gets it or lose the hope of getting it.
So, dear readers , if you are waiting for someone and others keep on telling you that it’s of no use, remember that the purpose of that “waiting” is only known to you .. no one will get it except you. And in your heart you will always find the right way to pursue what you truly wish for.
Yesterday night brought me contentment and the hazy sky before my eyes was finally clear after spending days in state of turmoil,
I have realised that the happiness I tried to give you is causing eternal pain to my soul.
This sadness, gloomy shades of depression is rotting me inside,
All this time when I was trying to fill you with my energies, you were still empty.
You have various pores in the parcel of life which will never let my energies settle in you.
It is an end for us since I can't fill your emptiness .
The void that you are, it's extremely powerful, engulfing everything .. Emitting nothing , retaining nothing.
I have realised I will become empty, will turn into numb void like you , My soul will rot away, leaving me infected with your disease.
I have decided to cut you off ,tear you apart from myself.
You don't belong to me, healing you is not in my control anymore.
I can live without you but I cannot live with the suffering self with you.
With this, let's just wrap the show.
It all began with a note,
Slipping through the desks, passing hands with a message, "You are pretty,I think I love you."
Took me minutes to register, what does pretty has to do with love ?
Fitzgerald once said,“I hope she'll be a fool -- that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”
How do you respond to a confession?
Teach me how you tell someone you think you love them but not to that extent to sacrifice your reputation!
But if you can't sacrifice how does it justify that it's love?
Well what kind of love can anyone justify!
And there it goes,
The loop keeps on widening.
Circle within a Circle within a mind of its own.
It all began with the thought!
Well, Does it mean you find me pretty that's why love me or You love me that's why I am pretty?
A day later , I heard her talking ,
They call you pretty, they love you more.
With this the loop widens and my question lingers on.
And then I am fascinated with the story behind the idea of Charles Bukowski quoting , “I have got to decide- Kill myself or love myself.” Does wishing to know his sorrow, anger , disappointment , hopeless and overwhelming response to the question of what you should be doing makes me crazier than him? I guess not or Maybe It does. I honestly don’t know who he is yet or why is he popping in my mind just now when all I was trying to do was immerse myself in the imaginary green light of nature , thinking of Tara and meditating . I know Universe works in a strange manner. How strange? You ask me ? Well not that I know of. I am not aware how it happens and I am not questioning it. Maybe because I am just irrationally afraid of the answer. But wait, Stick by me , in few months I might reveal how it is working in the back end , trying to make my life a little easy , it’s not tough but not ideally as I would have preferred it. Do you feel in the same manner? Lucky for you if not ! But if you do, hey, come and meet me. Let’s talk about the hidden motifs we can find in our situation and maybe we can grade how the driver of the train of our life is performing. But hey! seriously tell me , does it all actually fall in place as we all say?
And I wonder what people do when they want to leave? Do they come to you and beg you to release them from the bond of morality which has compelled them to stay with you or do they just leave with no explanation? Do they ever beg , to just let go of? Why do you think they add, “I hope you live a happy life?”, Well yes, I will since you are now out. Now I am left to myself determining how to start everything over again. Oh, Yes! It’s incredible to start again. Picking pieces of self, segregating them , finalising whether they deserve to be brought back or should be discarded. Would take a few more sessions with my therapist but I will figure out . It’s incredible for you to wish me live and find love and move on with somone else , because why not? I deserve to be happier. How unfortunate it is, no? Not for me but for you to realise that we have no future together. I am still wondering about the “forever” we sworn by? What should I do with the promises and the New allegations you added in order to just compel me to let you go ? Tell me love, Since when have you stooped to this level of hell? Was it before you met me or after you left me? Doesn’t matter, I should get back collecting pieces of my life. Afterall , your 33 allegations screams loudly how eager you are to see me “Happy”. Best Wishes to those who ends their note with , “May you find someone who is more loyal and confident than I was”. I rest my rant here.
It a began with my counsellor's
words echoing in my ears,
LET IT GO, LET IT GO!
I took a rollercoaster ride in past,
And Learnt that choosing myself over this relationship isn't being self centred ,
It doesn't mean I wasn't in love ,
didn't trust or wasn't happy for the time being.
It just mean that I am a human being, who can't hold onto past memories anymore, can't let them deepen my wound every day with the hope it will soon be okay!
I know it won't.
I am a mere human being who has decided to let you go,
We aren't meant to be...
And the thought was killing my conscience, my inner self to this extent that I wanted freedom from myself.
By choosing to protect me, I am choosing to let everything go that belongs to you.
I am putting an end to this emotional abuse and suffering.
I am ending it with my words.
I AM LETTING YOU GO.
When I am gone and You wonder what to do next,
Don't fight yourself and listen to me,
Initially it would be strange to sleep alone
And you might be scared at night,
Worrying if I turned into a ghost,
Which I assure you, I won't .
But there would be those nights with troubled sleep,
And the memories of happy times will haunt your heart,
In those critical time, I want you to remember
I am looking at you from heaven,
Maybe from hell as well !
But I am looking at you, that will matter.
So, here is the guide to remember me curated for you especially,
Remember me as you remember the aftertaste of sweet lassi you drank at your grandmother's place in summer break,
Just like the melody of your favourite song you hum without realising that you are humming,
Just like the book, you pick as a comfort read and the place you drive to when you are upset.
Some days when you will miss me the most,
Buy a truffle cake and leave it on my grave.
I won't be able to eat but the sight is enough for me to cheer up.
Since you know what to do when I am gone
I hope you keep your words and smile more.
It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning.
My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.
Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?
Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.
Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?
Practice . Practice. Practice.
But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .