Trepidation

And then I am fascinated with the story behind the idea of Charles Bukowski quoting , “I have got to decide- Kill myself or love myself.” Does wishing to know his sorrow, anger , disappointment , hopeless and overwhelming response to the question of what you should be doing makes me crazier than him? I guess not or Maybe It does. I honestly don’t know who he is yet or why is he popping in my mind just now when all I was trying to do was immerse myself in the imaginary green light of nature , thinking of Tara and meditating . I know Universe works in a strange manner. How strange? You ask me ? Well not that I know of. I am not aware how it happens and I am not questioning it. Maybe because I am just irrationally afraid of the answer. But wait, Stick by me , in few months I might reveal how it is working in the back end , trying to make my life a little easy , it’s not tough but not ideally as I would have preferred it. Do you feel in the same manner? Lucky for you if not ! But if you do, hey, come and meet me. Let’s talk about the hidden motifs we can find in our situation and maybe we can grade how the driver of the train of our life is performing. But hey! seriously tell me , does it all actually fall in place as we all say?

Remember me

When I am gone and You wonder what to do next,
Don't fight yourself and listen to me,

Initially it would be strange to sleep alone
And you might be scared at night,
Worrying if I turned into a ghost,
Which I assure you, I won't .

But there would be those nights with troubled sleep,
And the memories of happy times will haunt your heart,
In those critical time, I want you to remember
I am looking at you from heaven,
Maybe from hell as well !
But I am looking at you, that will matter.

So, here is the guide to remember me curated for you especially,
Remember me as you remember the aftertaste of sweet lassi you drank at your grandmother's place in summer break,
Just like the melody of your favourite song you hum without realising that you are humming,
Just like the book, you pick as a comfort read and the place you drive to when you are upset.

Some days when you will miss me the most,
Buy a truffle cake and leave it on my grave.
I won't be able to eat but the sight is enough for me to cheer up.
Since you know what to do when I am gone
I hope you keep your words and smile more.

Spiral

It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning. 

My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.

Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?

Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.

Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?

Practice . Practice. Practice.

But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .