A Simple word with a lifetime of meaning in it.. I found it for the second time today.
you ask me where?
I found it in Kashmir , in the horse named Badal.
Don't think I have gone insane ,
that might be true though, don't want to engage in any argument over that.
But the love he has expressed towards a human taught me that love is limitless, it's endless and everyone is capable of giving it , in their own manner.
In my case it was the way my lovely horse Protected me through the rough terrains, taking me to a beautiful valley with snow covered mountains. Ensuring to not to let anyone else win against me (it was like his personal agenda to ensure I remain the first person to see the beauty this heartwarming place has to offer)
Badal taught me it's okay for me to love,
Just love and become one with love.
Just how he has become one with the valley of Kashmir.
With each step I found an edge of my character shedding itself, with each step I felt letting go of an unknown burden.
Apart from the enchanting scenery the place has to offer, I am going to keep Badal in my memory. For angels do come in disguise!
You would be that lady in Old Victorian gown who lives in an abandoned mansion situated in countryside with some 20-30 cats , who keeps herself warm by sitting near to her fireplace while her man sits opposite to her in an armchair reading her a chapter from the copy of Harry Potter. In between, he winks at her whenever the book mentions Hermione , and she winks back because she understands.
When the first snow falls she stands near to her window admiring what nature has to offer and her man looks at her , admiring her for that nature has offered him in the guise of a mortal , the most beautiful creature in the whole world .
And as each minute passes, I am more certain of the fact that I am born for you . . to be with you.
Existing to complete your equation of life, fate and death. You paint my soul in all the colours of rainbow, holding me steady just like a tree is held by its roots . Strong and Still.
I wonder, do you even know how your mouth uttering my name coats my ribs ? bringing warmth to my soul ? The heart is engulfed in that warmth and I can survive my hot and cold night alike.
To know that I am meant for you is the greatest joy , you have given to me apart from the joys that you have been bringing each day, every hour , every minute with each breath of yours mingling with mine.
Love, You are the definition of love for me. From beginning to end, the part of same cosmos yet which keeps on existing in different dimensions .
Ours is arrange marriage
It was arrange adding to love marriage.
I met her at her house
She looked beautiful,
She called herself "rebellious soul, never confined , never to be trapped"
I loved her instantly for the second time , My first wife was also a rebellious one so she left me early.
I told her I never give up and someday will confine her with a slight grin.
We met every week,
She turned me down when I gave her bouquets, chocolates but was delighted to my gentleman efforts,
That's all I wanted...
She could never get slightest idea about our future that I had planned with her,
Everyday When I looked at her
"Rebellious soul never to be confined" echoed in my ear,
It is our wedding day,
She became mine.
Waiting for me in the beautiful bridal attire
That's my wife , right ?
I told myself the rebellious soul is being chased by me
It's time to confine her.
That night she slept peacefully
Never to awake again.
While she slept I choked her breath with her dupatta ; the love she bore for me now transformed into fear,
Rebellious soul , so she fought
But couldn't win because I am her husband right?
She was maintaining eye contact all the time and I thought how much I love her more ,
My first dead wife closed her eyes when I did this to her, pity isn't it?
But she looked right through my eyes, making me hold her dupatta more tightly around her snow white throat.
And then she peacefully slept.
I never give up I said with another grin while closing the door of my Giant Refrigerator , confining her with in.
And I wonder what people do when they want to leave? Do they come to you and beg you to release them from the bond of morality which has compelled them to stay with you or do they just leave with no explanation? Do they ever beg , to just let go of? Why do you think they add, “I hope you live a happy life?”, Well yes, I will since you are now out. Now I am left to myself determining how to start everything over again. Oh, Yes! It’s incredible to start again. Picking pieces of self, segregating them , finalising whether they deserve to be brought back or should be discarded. Would take a few more sessions with my therapist but I will figure out . It’s incredible for you to wish me live and find love and move on with somone else , because why not? I deserve to be happier. How unfortunate it is, no? Not for me but for you to realise that we have no future together. I am still wondering about the “forever” we sworn by? What should I do with the promises and the New allegations you added in order to just compel me to let you go ? Tell me love, Since when have you stooped to this level of hell? Was it before you met me or after you left me? Doesn’t matter, I should get back collecting pieces of my life. Afterall , your 33 allegations screams loudly how eager you are to see me “Happy”. Best Wishes to those who ends their note with , “May you find someone who is more loyal and confident than I was”. I rest my rant here.
It a began with my counsellor's
words echoing in my ears,
LET IT GO, LET IT GO!
I took a rollercoaster ride in past,
And Learnt that choosing myself over this relationship isn't being self centred ,
It doesn't mean I wasn't in love ,
didn't trust or wasn't happy for the time being.
It just mean that I am a human being, who can't hold onto past memories anymore, can't let them deepen my wound every day with the hope it will soon be okay!
I know it won't.
I am a mere human being who has decided to let you go,
We aren't meant to be...
And the thought was killing my conscience, my inner self to this extent that I wanted freedom from myself.
By choosing to protect me, I am choosing to let everything go that belongs to you.
I am putting an end to this emotional abuse and suffering.
I am ending it with my words.
I AM LETTING YOU GO.
When I am gone and You wonder what to do next,
Don't fight yourself and listen to me,
Initially it would be strange to sleep alone
And you might be scared at night,
Worrying if I turned into a ghost,
Which I assure you, I won't .
But there would be those nights with troubled sleep,
And the memories of happy times will haunt your heart,
In those critical time, I want you to remember
I am looking at you from heaven,
Maybe from hell as well !
But I am looking at you, that will matter.
So, here is the guide to remember me curated for you especially,
Remember me as you remember the aftertaste of sweet lassi you drank at your grandmother's place in summer break,
Just like the melody of your favourite song you hum without realising that you are humming,
Just like the book, you pick as a comfort read and the place you drive to when you are upset.
Some days when you will miss me the most,
Buy a truffle cake and leave it on my grave.
I won't be able to eat but the sight is enough for me to cheer up.
Since you know what to do when I am gone
I hope you keep your words and smile more.
It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning.
My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.
Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?
Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.
Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?
Practice . Practice. Practice.
But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .