Choosing to be me

It a began with my counsellor's 
words echoing in my ears,
LET IT GO, LET IT GO!

I took a rollercoaster ride in past,
And Learnt that choosing myself over this relationship isn't being self centred ,

It doesn't mean I wasn't in love ,
didn't trust or wasn't happy for the time being.
It just mean that I am a human being, who can't hold onto past memories anymore, can't let them deepen my wound every day with the hope it will soon be okay!
I know it won't.

I am a mere human being who has decided to let you go,
Because
We aren't meant to be...
And the thought was killing my conscience, my inner self to this extent that I wanted freedom from myself.

So,
By choosing to protect me, I am choosing to let everything go that belongs to you.
I am putting an end to this emotional abuse and suffering.

I am ending it with my words.
I AM LETTING YOU GO.

Remember me

When I am gone and You wonder what to do next,
Don't fight yourself and listen to me,

Initially it would be strange to sleep alone
And you might be scared at night,
Worrying if I turned into a ghost,
Which I assure you, I won't .

But there would be those nights with troubled sleep,
And the memories of happy times will haunt your heart,
In those critical time, I want you to remember
I am looking at you from heaven,
Maybe from hell as well !
But I am looking at you, that will matter.

So, here is the guide to remember me curated for you especially,
Remember me as you remember the aftertaste of sweet lassi you drank at your grandmother's place in summer break,
Just like the melody of your favourite song you hum without realising that you are humming,
Just like the book, you pick as a comfort read and the place you drive to when you are upset.

Some days when you will miss me the most,
Buy a truffle cake and leave it on my grave.
I won't be able to eat but the sight is enough for me to cheer up.
Since you know what to do when I am gone
I hope you keep your words and smile more.

Spiral

It seems to me that a sickness has gripped me. I have become part of a spiral where thoughts come and then bead by bead the spiral keeps on increasing , layer by layer to a point from where I fail to find the beginning. 

My brain has stopped taking this, the pressure, the pain, the suffering I go through in each moment when I should be resting and I have become reckless with my memories.

Memories of yesterday,today and coming tomorrow . Why?
You ask me why?

Because it's unbearable to be in the limelight and pretend to be alright. Not being able to scream out, show your joy, sorrow, anger,hurt and pain.

Fear grips the heart yet the smile doesn't flicker.
Do you know how that happen?

Practice . Practice. Practice.

But it's enough. I am exhausted and I sincerely hope for the earth to stop moving and my ethics to stop talking .

Fever

Thermometer flashed 103, looks like
The fever has reached the core.
The body shivers,mind enveloped with the question why?
Yesterday, you danced like there was no tomorrow until you realised there aren't going to be any more tomorrows with him.

Today,
Grief has made her sick.

Sadness lingering in her mind has finally found a way to reach her bones.

It's strange the doctor said, grief could make you lose your strength.

Get well soon her agony said, mocking her with a big smirk.



Autumn

It begins in September,
With the rustling of the winds,
A change of weather is felt.

A messages is delivered through the changed course of winds,
Warm summer afternoons are soon going to be replaced with chilly winters sun,
The heat one hates in June will soon be loved in December.

Cold makes us appreciate warmth,
And Chaos - tranquility.
It all begins in September.

The weather of your heart will soon change,
The heat of anguish will soon be disposed of,
The heart which feels lonely will see the green pastures..

Wait, be patient!
For my love December changes to March as well.

40 Rules of Love

Overwhelming is all I can describe the book to be. I finished reading the book few minutes back and I am full of those extremely delicate nuances which not just touched my heart but made my soul sour high. If you haven’t read it yet, you should try savouring this piece of writing with all your might.

Virginia Woolf once said, to keep the flow of words one should indulge in reading . Ironically somehow I have lost words to describe how do I feel.

Have you read something similar to this book? If yes , please do suggest!

What happen when people die?

What happen when people die?
I am intrigued with the question.
It has haunted my loving spirit, breached the walls I kept solid all these years.
Why should I care what happens when people die until I am alive.

Why do we need to be associated with anyone?
Why can't we not be alone and sufficient?
Why can't alone be happy?

To be true , I am angry today.
I want to die.
Not die literally but I want to kill all my thoughts which constitutes me . Metaphorical death is what I want.
Safe. Secured. No one will know that someone died.

Remember Augustus Water's cigarette, the high metaphor!

I want my thoughts to die that death.
I want to know how does it feel to cut all the strings. The chain of thoughts killing all your instincts.

Don't worry ,I won't do any self-harm.
I am not that brave neither I have that grace to cover it.
But seriously tell me what happens when the thoughts die?

Does it hurt as much as it hurts to lose people? Is death worse than sudden disappearance?

I hope so it is.

Well. Lets. Just . Stop. Here.
Okay?

Try again. Love again.. Okay?

Even after trying for ten years ,
Giving your heart, sweat and commitment
Sometimes it's just not meant to happen...

So, what to do next?
Weep and lament over the lost love which you never received?
No,
All you can do is to just let it go...

I understand ot looks difficult and you are afraid whether you are truly capable enough to do it!

Doubt sure is welcomed.

But believe me, then one day , it all comes to you.
The courage to let go of everything that you had buried in your heart- wrapped feelings, discouraged ethics, uncertain signs and the soil you wanted to mix with theirs.

Above all you dig the courage of deleting 90747 messages of last one year which you read all those nights when the day was damp with the unwanted rain and night was dark with unwelcomed clouds.

The courage of deleting the number which was once your ocean and wiping the media and unstarring the messages on your whatsapp chat..

You know, it just happens.
It just happens like it just happened, a matter of second...

No questions asked, no queries put forth.
You give away the part,
Afterall what would you do with a tree which is neither blooming nor withering ?

Nothing..
You do nothing with such tree.
you just let uourself know that it's okay for it to be as it is..

You simply walk away because there is nothing you can do about it...

Now,I want to embrace you really tight this time,
To cheer you up and to tell you that it's fine to feel light , it's okay to breathe light.

It's okay to not to be okay for sometime ..
It's okay to recenter the location of your heart towards your new aspirations and begin again.
.
.
.
So, love ..try again, love again. okay ? 

Aster – A flower representing faith