SECRET

I didn't love thee but be assured, I told none.
I kept wearing the mask of your warmth in the pickling heat of July.
Summer days languid and traumatic to my senses are well hidden under the garb of honour.
"Believe me love, no one can spot the lie."

Give me an opportunity, a fair chance to show my utmost devotion,
Remember the night when the flower moon illuminated with its might and you had your gaze fixed at the sky.

I had smiled at you and the abhorring moon.
Had to fix my deed by fixing my gaze on the passing time on my old Chinese watch, gifted by your well wisher.

Did you see how quiet and fine had I covered my secret? Our secret?

I look at calender and it makes me truly smile,
The days will pass,
The age will pass,
Soon the youth will pass,
And
I am elated to declare, "You and your filthy thoughts also won't last."

But by then, I want you to believe,
My rage will be well hidden, it won't seep
Afterall you see all this time,
I didn't love thee yet told none.

What should I become for you?

I thought for a while and then decided what I should become for you.

It began with the thought of being your sunshine reaching to the point of being the river – submerging your queries and unnecessary worries. Should I be the rain pouring at the metal cladded balcony of your house, waiting for you to come out and admire me? Or should I be the breeze comforting your heart on late afternoons when you suddenly realise that it’s been hours since you raised your neck to look at time and you are late for your conference like always? Should I be the folded page of the current read you keep at your bedside to read at night? Or should I be the bottle of wine kept in the cabinet for special times?

What should I become that you take notice of my existence?

After a zillion thoughts I reached on a conclusion and decided to be nothing and everything to you. I would just remain me, the warm person who is made of all the essential five elements you come to at the end of the day. Nothing less, nothing more. Just me to you.

Letter

45 days back I wrote a letter to you,
In which I had mentioned, “I don’t want to be your subordinate.”
A few words out of the mighty sea of English language which I chose to shut down myself that day.

I sent you that on WhatsApp
Didn’t mail, don’t know why,
Being audacious to mention how I am tired of your patience, your unconditional support, your way of keeping the channel of communication open for me when I refuse to deliver a word.
I had to save my false esteem!

It didn’t get deliver,
No double ticks, no read recipient.
I wanted to see those marks on my screen
telling me there is no going back.

I waited for 5 minutes and 15 seconds
Nothing happened
My fingers trembled and I found ” delete for everyone”.
To tell you the truth,
I was scared and had gasped in those 5 minutes and 15 seconds

Then I looked for a quote on Pinterest
Sent you the saying or long narration, I don’t remember what,
But It got delivered within seconds,
Instantly You replied, “it was inspiring.”

I think of the day today,
What should I have written if the letter was delivered and you have paid heed to my request?
Well the mystery lingers..

Soon, I tell myself.