I need my own God.

I need my own God who bleed profusely ,
To my mother’s shock, my whining could be heard by neighbours around.
I saw neighbourhood aunty closing the door of her balcony when I demanded my mother about the God who bleeds profusely.
It wasn’t just a demand ,
I wanted him to realise I genuinely craved for strength when the period was unbearable and my scarlet heart diminished with each passing moment on “those days”.

When it first began ,
I was told that it was like “signing in” in the world of Womanhood.
Just like Facebook ,
Wish I had known it does comes with creeps like cramps and orthodox beliefs..

Once I heard my aunt say, “we are women , our spirit of womanhood can endure anything life throws at us”.
I wanted to ask, didn’t it hurt her spirit to sleep in an isolated hut in the farm and endure everything in seclusion?
Strange enough!

Today, my thoughts wandered off to Panchal Kumari
Who bled profusely when she was dragged to the court of men,
She was the queen, slave they called her , whore it sound to many!
But she was human, vulnerable before those who humiliated her.
I wanted to ask was she also expected to endure anything that life threw to her?
But then I remember learning that she didn’t endure and her vengeance ultimately led to the end of an entire Yuga.

Back to present
So, My voice was loud and clear
I wanted my own God!!
Eventually to calm my senses,
Mother told me about the bleeding Goddess in Assam,
The Scarlet fluid didn’t hurt anyone till now
Mighty men bow before her , no hesitation it seems to me then
Even grandfather has paid a visit to her in his youth
Yet my mind had still managed to confuse why men of families abhorred the blood , stained or not it has still managed to hurt their pride.

My thoughts wandered off yet again
I couldn’t understand what mother tried to make me believe
Was she telling me am I the goddess?
Or was it my womanhood so strong that it could end this Yuga?

I left the thought and prayed that day,
I asked the cosmos for a god of my own who knew of moon cycle and extend its blessing on those women who were expected to endure everything in the name of shared womanhood.


But sweetheart,
To heal you need to accept,
To accept that you deserve peace, space and happiness.

Acceptance will create great discomfort
Maybe , you will be tempted to deny that
there are scars which still hurts a lot.

Healing is not as easy as it spells,
but it’s worth every ounce of pain you have been through.

Step wise step
This process will cover up all the scars on your soul,
Don’t worry about the marks ,
they are the symbol of your strength ,
How beautiful and powerful you have been
through this journey of healing.

The pain of this process is
like the pain of the labour of a mother
who goes through it when she gives birth to a new body ,
Similarly once you will heal,
Like that new born child
It will be rebirth of your soul
And rejuvenation of your heart.

So, don’t be afraid
If it hurts , Maybe it’s time for you to be your own anchor, your own phoenix.